i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
