Sorry, I don't speak sober.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
