I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize