On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
