My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
