Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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