my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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