he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
