No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
