just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
