So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I met the friendliest cop last night
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
