Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
