I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
