Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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