Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
