I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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