1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
