I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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