Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
be right there i have to get my cape
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
