physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
