just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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