I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
