I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
