The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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