hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
