she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
