Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
