dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
