Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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