So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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