Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
