My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
