I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize