I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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