when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
