Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
