your parents love me but you hate me
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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