Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
