Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
