I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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