Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
