I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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