My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
