his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
