The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
