I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize