Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
