Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
