I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
