After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
