Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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