Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
