Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
why does every cop we meet know your name?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
