I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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