If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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