last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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