she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
